The Adventures Of Amanda Bynes In New New York
by JeanCarlos777
Summary: The story centers around Amanda and her lifestyle in New York. In the story Amanda will be faced with daily challenges such as almost starving and going out with her friends with her maid Consuela and her black friend Daniel. They are several guest appearances such as drake bell and Beyoncé's left foot.
1. The time i almost starved to death

Disclaimer: We our obligated by court order to tell you that this novel is not affiliated with nor written by Amanda Bynes. The events in the story are facts as far as the author knows. All of the events in the story are taken from well-known sources (such as and the "What the buck show") and are to the authors knowledge 100 % true. This novel is written for the enjoyment of others and shall not be reproduced, copied nor criticized by the owner. Amanda Bynes is a registered trademark of Viacom enterprises. This novel is a work of art and all grammatical errors are intentional. Viewer discretion is advised but not enforced. Introduction: It was the 80s. My mother was at the hospital impatiently waiting for me to be liberated from my meat prison. At exactly 11:56 A.M April 3rd 1986, I was born. I busted out of my mother's womb to be greeted by an eager audience. They quickly grabbed me and washed my body from the horrific stench of my mother's womb liquids and placenta. I was only 3 minutes old but I already knew what I was born to do. I was born to be white. When my parents took me home they immediately knew I was special and that in no time I would be making them millions. At the age of 7 my parents threw me out of moving car and landed me in acting camp! All the teachers praised my acting skills and the students worshiped me. At the age of 10 I stared in the show "all that". The audience loved me and I loved being loved. In 1998 I sold my soul to the devil and got my very own TV show! But the joke was on him because I don't have a soul. Before I knew it was starring in many movies such as "Big fat liar" "what a girl wants" and others. I was now making more money than I ever had in my entire life! But In 2010 I decided I didn't want to be an actress anymore so I retired. I packed my bags and moved to New York where I live now. Chapter One: The time I almost died of starvation I awoke. I looked around my room and saw nothing of interest. I walked to my kitchen to get some breakfast. When I opened the fridge I noticed there was no bread. I need bread. I was now going to starve. I collapsed onto the floor and waited for my body to die. About an hour later my cleaning lady, Consuela, had come in and saw me on the floor. Consuela: Señorita bynes, what happened? – She said in broken English and a worried tone. Me: Did you bring bread from the store like I asked you? Consuela: Yes I did Me: Than everything is fine Me: Just leave the bread on the table, I need some alone time with it. Oh by the way did anyone ask about me in supermarket? Consuela: no Me: I'm sorry could you say that in English Consuela: no Me: Thank god. Thanks for getting the bread, now go away. I grabbed the bread and fled to my room. There I indulged and ate the whole thing. After I finished the sweet bread of life I noticed there were now crumbs all over the floor… Me: Consuela! Consuela quickly entered my room like a Mexican acrobat. Consuela: Yes Ms. Bynes Me: There are crumbs all over the floor, could you clean them up? – I said pointing at the mess Consuela: Right away Ms. Bynes. Me: Thank you- I said while walking out the room into the living room. I sat on the couch and wondered what to do… Me: Well might as well watch some T.V. Let's see what's on: Television: Narrator: This time on the real house wives of P.R Juanita finds out she's pregnant, Rosa gets lost at Costco and Maria does zumba in a desperate attempt at losing weight. Back at Juanita's house: Juanita: Pedro I have something to tell you… Pedro: Did your mom finally die of osteoporosis? Juanita: No… I'm pregnant! Pedro I'm having your babies. Pedro: This is so unexpected; in fact this is so unexpected that I expected it! Everyone, come out! Family: Surprise! Juanita: What is this? Pedro: It's a baby shower! Juanita: But how did you know I was pregnant? Pedro: My paternal instinct told me. Juanita: Really? Pedro: Nah production told me when you confessed it to Rosa. Juanita: Oh… Back to Rosa: Rosa: This place is so huge, where am I. Employee: You're at Costco! How may I help you? Rosa: How can I get out of here? Employee: But you can't leave… Rosa: What do you mean… - she said in a scared tone. Employee: I said you can't leave before you hear about our new rewards program! You see every time you shop at Costco you could save… Rosa: Oh no! I'll never get out of here! Back to Maria: Maria: Why am I so fat… Narrator: That's it for today on the real house wives of P.R. Me: Wow T.V nowadays is great! I can't wait to start watching keeping up with the kardashians! 


	2. Sky, flower, water and dirt

Chapter 2: Sky, flower, water and dirt.

Today I was meeting my friends incident were i almost died so I thought hanging out with some old friends would make me feel better. We always have such a good time. Hey look I think I see them.

Me: Hey guys.

Flower: Hey dirt, come sit with us.

Sky: Yeah sit with us.

I sat with them on the ground.

Flower: *singing*

Me: Hey guys.

Group: Hey dirt.

Me: So glad to see you guys you wont for my maid Consuela i would have been done for!

Flower: Were so glad you didnre not here to live it and not be not alive like dead.

Sky: Whoa bro didns all grab hands and sing

Sky: YAAS I can feel the song course thru my veins. s guys, what if we haven

Sky: Whoa that she said as she poured some leafs and sticks into a hole.

Me: Flower that was so kind of you. The earth says thank you

Flower: Itre all beautiful; Group hug.

Sky: Wait guys what if were a TV show and our whole lives has been a lie. Like what if we get cancelled? Will we all die?

Flower: Calm down we are all still in the womb, remember?

Sky: Oh right- he said while giggling.

Me: Wow we are all really baked, lets getting really late.

As I walked home I had really bad munchies so I stopped at a pizzeria and ordered a pizza to go. Then I stumbled home and fell asleep.


	3. The morning after…

Chapter 3: The morning after… Oh you were so good last night. - I said to the empty pizza box beside my bed. I need another, I really need this. I grabbed my phone and dialed the pizza place's phone number. Greasy pizza slave: Welcome to greasy pizza lord how may I help you today sir or mam. Me: I want pizza. Greasy pizza slave: what size and would you like any toppings on it Me: Large and no toppings Greasy pizza slave: Would you like anything else with your order, sir? Me: No and I'm a woman. Greasy pizza slave: Of course you are. May I ask where this will be delivered to? Me: How could I forget…? Greasy pizza slave: Thank you for your patronage. Your pizza will arrive soon enough. A while later my pizza finally arrived Ugly pizza delivery guy: Uh pizza delivery for Ms. Amanda bynes Me: That's me! I ran to the door in excitement Ugly pizza delivery guy: Okay uh here's the pizza Me: Please stop talking. Here keep the change. Ugly pizza delivery guy: Okay – He said as I grabbed my pizza and slammed the door in his face. Me: Finally Consuela walked into the room interrupting my moment with the pizza. Consuela: Senorita can I have a piece, you haven't fed me in days and I'm starving. Me: No. I don't pay you to eat my pizza I pay you to clean the apartment and be Mexican. Consuela: But Ms. Bynes you no pay me in months. Me: Exactly because you're doing a lousy job asking for food on the job. Me: Don't make me deport you. Consuela: No Ms. Bynes please I do better job I work for free – she said in tears Me: Nah I'm just kidding. Here's your pay. Sorry I haven't been able to pay you lately, I forget your still here sometimes. Here have a slice, BUT JUST ONE. Consuela: Oh virgin Santa, me has bendecido. Thank you Ms. Bynes Me: You're welcome, now go away. I ate the rest of the pizza and before I knew it the day was over and it was time to go back to bed 


	4. My black friend Daniel

Chapter 4: My black friend Daniel Today I decided I'd go see my friend Daniel, he's black and lives in the ghettos. Well Daniel hasn't always been black. He once told me that when he was little he was a regular white boy. He went to regular school and lived with his mom and dad in a big house. When Daniel was little he had lots of black dots on his body. These birthmarks kept appearing on Daniel's body. Daniel didn't pay attention to this until one day something terrible happened. All of the black dots on Daniel's body conjoined and covered his whole body. Daniel was now black. After that his parents didn't recognize him so they gave him away. Daniel had to move to the ghettos and live with other ghetto children. There he learned the ways of the ghetto and he fit in swell! Oh there's his house! Well more like apartment…. Me: Hey Daniel! Daniel: Oh hey Amanda what brings you here? Me: Well I was in the neighborhood so I decided I'd stop by. Daniel: But you're a blonde white woman, you never go the ghettos. Me: Yeah I know but that's something I'd do for a dear old friend. So how's life been treating you? Daniel: Actually life's been treating me pretty well. I actually got to be a contestant on the price is right! Me: REALLY? Did you win anything? Daniel: No not really, the prices were rigged. You see I said everything was a dollar because I usually go shopping at the dollar store but the thing was they used brand name items for the listings and I don't buy anything from anywhere else. Me: Oh… Daniel: But I recently started a successful fan fiction site. It already has over 15 users and them all post fan fictions. Every week or so I post a fan fiction myself and it gets 10s of dozens of views! Me: Wow… Daniel: And it gets better, I get paid 20 dollars a month from Google ads! Me: Wow that's 20 more dollars than your other job! Daniel: I know! Daniel: So how's your life been? Me: Well I recently retired from acting and became one of the youngest and richest retired actors in New York, so yeah way better than you! Daniel: Now I'm sad… Me: It's okay though, you still have your personality! Daniel: Your right! , thanks Amanda! Me: Anything for a friend. Well talk to you later I have pizza to eat and a maid to insult at home! Bye Daniel Daniel: Bye Amanda! Daniel: Boy it must be great to be white- he said in his mind Back at my house: Me: Oh this pizza is so good. Consuela! You're fat and ugly! Consuela: What? Me: I said your fat and ugly! Consuela: I no hear you! What? Me: You're fat and ugly! Consuela: Oh... is okay... is true... Me: Yeah that's right fatty! – I said as i stuffed more pizza in my mouth. 


	5. A maid lost a maid gained

Chapter 5: A maid lost a maid gained Consuela: Ms. Bynes I cannot take this anymore, I quit. Me: What are you talking about Consuela, get back to work. Consuela: I say I quit. I hate this job. You treat me bad, you disrespect me and you insult me constantly calling me fat and ugly. Me: First off all those things are true. I do call you fat and ugly but it's because you are fat and ugly. To be honest I don't know how you're so fat since I never feed you. Second I don't have time for this since I have to urgently go back to sleep. Just stop the nonsense and go back to work. Consuela: No Ms. Bynes i no longer work for you. Me: I didn't want to have to say this but you leave me no choice. If you leave I'm going to deport you to the government so they can send you back to México. Consuela: For the last time I'm not Mexican! I'm from Guatemala and I came here LEGALLY. You can't touch me Ms. Bynes. Me: Oh never mind then. So what do you want more pay or something? Consuela: No I want to be respected and treated nicely like I deserve. Me: Fine then I'll do that now go away… Consuela: Oh no Ms. Bynes my decision is final, I'm still quitting. Me: But who will clean my dishes and carry me to my bed when I fall asleep on the couch. Consuela you can't leave I need you. Consuela: No I'm not going to stay. I already found a job being a maid at the house next door, I start tomorrow. I left my resignation letter on the table, good bye Ms. Bynes. – She said as she dramatically walked out the door. Me: Well better go post an ad on craigslist… Days and days past and nobody answered the ad. What do I do now? I went to my friend Daniels place to ask him for advice. Me: Hey Daniel Daniel: Hey Amanda so what brings you here? Me: Oh Daniel it's horrible. My maid quit and I can't find another. The apartment's a mess without her! The dishes aren't clean, the floors are full of dirt and I keep waking up on the sofa and not on my bed. I don't know what to do next. Daniel: You need a new maid you say? Me: Yeah and I can't seem to find one anywhere. Daniel: So how much are you willing to pay one? Me: Well I used to pay Consuela 4 and half dollars an hour and I let her sleep in my guest bedroom. Daniel: I'll take the job! Me: What, no, your black don't maids need to Latin American or something. Daniel: It's cool I'm half Puerto Rican. Me: But what about your apartment? Daniel: It's cool I haven't paid rent in three months so I'm going to get evicted any day any way. Me: Oh well in that case fine. You start tomorrow and I'll pay you 3 and half dollars an hour. You will get to sleep in a corner in the laundry room until I gain your trust and let you sleep on the kitchen floor. Oh and don't touch anything unless your cleaning it. Daniel: But you paid Consuela 4 and half dollars and she got her own bed room. Me: Fine I'll pay you 4 dollars an hour and you can sleep on the couch... Daniel: Alright! Me: Wait but you're a boy, right. Daniel: As a matter a fact I am a boy. Me: If you go into my apartment the paparazzi will go crazy writing stories about me dating a black guy that isn't drake. Daniel: Maybe I should go disguised… Me: Oh I was going to say you should have a sex change but that sounds like a better idea. Okay I'm going to go home and get some things, you know some old clothes, makeup, a wig and I'll be right back. I drove to my house really fast and got there in no time. Me: Okay I need to make Daniel look like a woman. Let's see here, foundation, bronzer, eyeliner, mascara oh here it is, my sharpie pen! Okay now I'll need a wig. Ugh I burnt all my wigs that one time. Oh maybe I could use this mop as a wig! Okay now I need some clothes, ewe but I don't want man sweat all over my clothes, oh but I could use this shower curtain as a dress! Oh I'm good. Okay what have I gathered so far: Some red lipstick, a sharpie pen, a mop, and a shower curtain. Perfect! Now I just have to drive back to Daniels place. Again I drove super-fast and got there in no time. Me: Daniel, I'm back! Come I'm going to make you a woman! Daniel: Coming! Me: Okay Daniel now sit on this chair and let me do the rest of the work. Daniel: Are you sure this will fool them Amanda. Me: Of course it will. I fooled them into thinking I was mortal so I can fool them into believing anything. Daniel: Well okay you're the boss. Me: Okay so well start with your face. A woman's face is her best feature, so I have to put a ton of makeup on it but I also want to make it look like you have no makeup on . Daniel: But that doesn't make any sense. Me: Of course it does now shut up and let me shove my sharpie pen in your eye. Daniel: Okay okay… Me: Now I'm going to take the sharpie pen and gently press it on your lower eye so it will look like eyeliner. Daniel: Couldn't you have just brought real eyeliner Me: No! I don't want any of your eye sweat on my eyeliner. Me: Okay so now were going to want to make your lips pop. Women have big red lips so what we're going to do is put some lipstick over your lip so they look more luscious. Perfect! Now that your makeup is done I'm going to put a wig on you. Well I couldn't find a wig at home so I brought a mop. It's okay though because I spray painted it black so it looks more natural. There we go. Now that your face is done were going to move on to the clothes. Now the clothes you are earing now are very masculine, women aren't masculine so I brought this shower curtain. If we wrap it around you it will look like a dress. Okay now that your hair clothes and makeup are done we can move on to shoes. I brought these high heels that I found in Consuela's old room. Done! Daniel: Wow I look great. Me: Yeah you do! Daniel: Wow look at me! I look just like a woman! Me: Okay Daniel you're enjoying this a little too much. Daniel: No I love it. Me: Okay Daniel stop. Now you're ready to go to my apartment. Pack your stuff were leaving now. Daniel: Didn't I start tomorrow? Me: Yeah but I made a mess of the apartment while looking for stuff to put on you and someone has to clean it up. C'mon let's go. Daniel: Okay, thanks Amanda. Me: Please stop talking… 


	6. To be or not to be useful

Chapter 6: To be or not to be... useful

Alarm: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Me: Ah no go aways the alarmT SUPPOSED TO RING Is some for you and some for me.

Me: Daniel do you think I I said as I inhaled my pancake.

Daniel: What do you mean?

Me: Well I just woke up and itm retired. All I can do is laze around the apartment and watch gossip girl.

Daniel: Oh what season are you on?

Me: It believe what happens to Serena, but that He said in his head

Daniel: I donll start a YouTube channel! I can post new videos every week and feel needed! Is the spirit!

Me: Thank you Daniel.

Daniel: Aw yous the Amanda show!

Me: Welcome everybody; on todays all been a learning experience.

Me: It must be awful. I canve never been poor in my life but my maid Daniel can relate to your pain.

Daniel: I feel you brother.

Drake: Itt want to. He said something about being too successful and hot to be able to do the role of Josh Peck again.

Me: Aw that

Me: Okay thatAmanda Showt finishedt know do you want to watch gossip girl?

Drake: What season are you on?

Me: 4

Drake: Same! Letll go set up the TV!


	7. The beggining of the end

Chapter 7: The beginning of the end Daniel: Amanda a package came for you! Me: It must be those vases I ordered! Daniel: Cool. Me: Yeah look how pretty they are! I thought they would make very pretty vases! Daniel: Oh okay… All of a sudden the police were banging on the door. Me: Who is it? Officer: It's the police open up! Me: Gasp they must want to steal my pretty vases! - I said as I threw them out my window. Officer: Oh the doors not locked. I guess I'll just let myself in. Me: What seems to be the problem officer? Officer: We've heard several complaints from the neighbors of you talking loudly in the middle of the night, is this true? Me: Well you see officer I wasn't talking I was just yelling at the TV during gossip girl. CAN YOU BELIVE SERENA HAD THE AUDACITY TO… Officer: Ms. Bynes the problem is you can't be making loud noises in the middle of the night. Me: How about 3 quarters into the night. Officer: No you can't make loud noises after 10:00 pm. Me: I'm terribly sorry I just get so involved in the program. Officer: It's okay this is just a warning, just don't let it happen again, understood. Me: Understood. Officer: Okay you have a nice day. The officer left and I quickly jumped to my window. Me: Ugh the pretty vases broke on the pavement. Daniel: Amanda you do know it is against the law to throw things out of a 3rd story window… You could have seriously hurt someone. Me: Daniel shut up and go clean the mess downstairs… Daniel: On it. A couple of hours later the police came back. Me: Who is it? Officer: It's the police, again. Me: Oh I sorry Amanda no here i just Consuela cleaning lady, GO AWAY! – I said trying to imitate Consuela's accent. Officer: Were coming in. – He said as he opened the door. Me: What seems to be the problem officer and might i say you're looking very handsome. Officer: We have several reports of you throwing what seems to be a vase out of your 3rd story apartment. Me: That's not true. Officer: We have the broken pieces of glass in this baggy. Me: That's not mine. Officer: There was a shipping label we found in the broken pieces. Me: Let me see that. Label: Ship to Amanda Bynes, New New York apartment 37 b. Me: Daniel i thought i told you to go clean that up! Daniel: Woops must have slipped my mind. Me: Oh officer I'm terribly sorry. Officer: Why did you do it? Why did you throw it out of the window when i came in? Me: Oh officer i was afraid you might touch it with your fat greasy hands since it was just so pretty. Please I'll never do it again. Officer: I'm sorry I'm going to have to take you in. You are here by arrested for public endangerment and littering. You may remain silent, everything you say can and will be held against you. Me: Get your greasy hands of me government slave! You're all ugly and i hate you! Especially that fat officer, what is your problem you keep eating and eating go on a diet you fat monster! – I said as they pulled me away from my apartment. Officer: Please just get in the car. Me: Fine but you can't say i resisted arrest. I watch cops on g4 and i know what you guys do. Officer: Of course Amanda we'll say you didn't resist arrest. Me: Oh and say i was arrested in the most graceful way possible. Say that i flew in a pink smoke to the cop car. Officer: ... Me: Oh and say that my hair looked great and i was without makeup but i still looked good. Officer: ... Back at Amanda's apartment: Daniel: Oh god they took Amanda. I feel like a 1950s house wife with no husband to clean after. What will i do now? – Daniel said bursting into tears. Daniel: I hope she's okay... Consuela: New maid open the door! – She said while knocking. Daniel: Who is it? Consuela: It's me, Consuela, Amanda's old cleaning lady! Daniel: The Consuela Estevez?! You're a legend, come in! Consuela: So i hear Amanda got arrested? Daniel: Yeah she did... I feel so empty without her around. Consuela: Ha! That little mother deserves it! But that's not why i came here. Daniel: Well why did you come here? Consuela: I came here for this- she said as she showed Daniel a wad of money. Daniel: Where did you get all that money from? Consuela: You see years ago Amanda gave me a birthday present. It was this teddy bear. When i quit my job here i was so angry that i ripped the bear apart. What i found inside was this money and a note that said: "Bail money, If Amanda was to get arrested for whatever reason, use this money to bail her out. Daniel: Wow how much money was in there? Consuela: About 250,000 grand. Daniel: Damn that's a lot of money, how come when you found it you didn't spend it. Consuela: Well i respect Amanda too much to steal from her. Daniel: So are you going to bail her out? Consuela: Yes but i need your help. Daniel: What do you need, my super black strength, my good looks, you want me to sweet talk the guard? – He said in a cocky voice. Consuela: No i need you to drive me there since i don't have a car. Daniel: Oh... Okay well then I'll go get there car... Consuela: Thank you. Daniel: Just get in the car... Back at the police station: Me: Ugh why can't i use my phone? Officer: We can't let you use your phone for security reasons. Me: Ugh Consuela: Amanda! Me: Consuela? YOU CAME TO RESCUE ME! Consuela: Yes Amanda i just have to talk to the police and you'll be out. Me: Hurray! Consuela: Okay you're out for now. The trial is on the 15 so you have a week of freedom. Me: Hurray! Take me home baby! 


	8. The beginning of the end part 2

Chapter 8: The beginning of the end part 2 Me: Oh god were is my passport, oh god i need to pack. Daniel: Amanda what are you talking about. Me: I need to flee the country. Daniel: You do know what you did was only a minor crime. The most you would get is a fine. Maybe community service. Me: No i need to flee. I already bought a ticket my flight leaves in 2 hours. Daniel: Where are you going to? Me: To the most deserted place on this earth. Daniel: Delaware? Me: Nope, Canada! Daniel: Oh okay. Me: In my last few hours in this country i want to say goodbye to all the people i love. Oh come here. Daniel: Aw Amanda- he said while going towards me only to be pushed away Me: Oh lamp I'll always remember you. Whenever I felt sad you'd always lighten things up. Me: Good bye chair, goodbye sofa. I love you all Daniel: Bye Amanda. Me: Bye Daniel, you're a good friend, now get out of my way so I can hug my furniture. Me: I'll miss you all for eternity! With a heavy heart i grabbed my bags and headed for the airport. When i got there my flight was just about to leave. When i was about to get on the airplane i heard a gunshot and my whole body fell cold to the floor. The bullet had hit me. I laid on the floor and in my last moments of life i saw a familiar face point a gun to my head. Consuela: Nobody messes with Consuela– She said as she pulled the trigger and killed me, Amanda Bynes. The end. 


	9. End Credits

End Credits

Starring

Amanda Bynes as...Herself

Daniel Smith as...Maid #2 and Amandas left foot as...Maria

Stan Smith as...Water

Lana Del Rey as...Flower

Sandra Bullock as...Rosa

Bob Bunsen as...Airport slave

Jet Jensten...As guard #1

Drake Bell as...himself

Steven Catfish as...Employee #1

Derrick Stevenson as...Televison

Paper as...Label

clock as...Alarm

Table as...Lamp

Directed by...Jean Carlos

Written by...Jean Carlos

Illustrated by...Jean Carlos

Published by...Scholastatic books Inc.


End file.
